Relational psychotherapists believe that people have a primary need to be in relationship with others. That is why early relationships with our primary care givers are important as they shape our beliefs and expectations about the way needs are met. As Daniel Siegel’s subtitle to his book The Developing Mind indicates, we now know “how relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are.”

When our primary care givers are in tune with our needs and provide us with the love, caring and support that we need, we develop a secure sense of self that allows us to go into the world with positive expectations, and with confidence. When our needs are not adequately met, we may develop an insecure sense of self and we go out into the world with a pessimistic outlook and negative expectations.

Our expectations affect how we relate to people and influence how they respond to us. If we a have secure sense of self and a confident nature, we are at ease in our relationships. If we are insecure and lack confidence, we may relate to people in a sour, awkward, timid, angry or aggressive manner. When we behave in such a way, we provoke similar responses, which then confirm and reinforce our negative beliefs, feelings and expectations in a continuous negative feedback loop. Fortunately, the brain retains much of its plasticity so that new relationships and experiences can alter and improve our expectations.

The interaction between therapist and client provides the opportunity to create a positive and collaborative relationship that provides a means to identify negative and limiting beliefs, to facilitate insight, and to create trust and positive expectations so that needs for connection and relationship can be fulfilled.